On Friday, December 19th I said farewell to my Dad’s remains and left him in his final resting place. I spoke, my Uncle Rich spoke, Vince spoke. There were crows in the background and a Polish priest led us in Catholic prayer. The ceremony was beautiful, peaceful, and truly perfect in every way.
It brought to a close one of the longest and most painful journey’s I could have never imagined.
Later that day, I also brought to a close my relationship, as I knew it, with my Uncles.
It’s a long story, not one worth repeating in detail – ever – but in short we had a disagreement about my Dad’s funeral.
I felt it was important that one of them be there since my Dad loved them and they were close to him. I felt it was their last opportunity to say goodbye in an official way, which was so unlike anything the previous 10 months had allowed. I felt like it was the last chance to honor my Daddy’s life and all the love and laughter we shared with him.
They felt it was too expensive and outside of their current means to make the drive to Bushnell from Miramar and that, as it’s only one day in my life, I am selfish for expecting them to be there. Through various texts and emails, it was concluded that this disagreement and their feelings about the person I am have resulted in the end of our relationship with one another.
To say it hurt would be an understatement. At first I thought “how could I lose the only family I cherished as much as my Daddy on the same day as his funeral?”
But then I realized that this is an opportunity for me to start over; to truly close this Act of my life and move on to the next.
I’ve been in therapy for several months now to help me grieve the loss of my dad while also balance the stress and obligations of taking care of Mia, leading my family through our grief, and accelerating my career. In therapy I’ve been redefining what’s important to me, what’s important in LIFE, and what actions and feelings define friendship and family.
My goals in life are evolving and changing, as I am. But so far, they’re something like this:
- I strive to honor my Dad in all that I do as I have always done – that doesn’t change just because he’s gone.
- I hope to open my mind and heart enough to communicate with his spirit in whatever form that it takes – regardless of any belief system he or I have ever subscribed to.
- I am dedicated to obtaining enough self-awareness to remain humbled by the lessons life has delivered me while always remembering that, good and bad, “this too shall pass.”
To officially kick this journey off in 2015, I bought myself a new talisman: The Phoenix wrap bangle from Alex and Ani.
I’m intentionally starting over in 2015. I am seeking rebirth. I am purposefully redefining my life.
I am no longer The Luckiest Girl Ever – not because I’m not lucky, I still am, but because I’m not a girl anymore.
So I’m going to leave this blog up as an archive, but going forward I will document my crazy, imperfect life at So Alicia Says. I’ll transfer my existing Feed to that site once it’s up and running (right now it’s just an empty shell, waiting with all sorts of potential for me to get excited about life again).
I’m *really* looking forward to a blank canvas and a fresh start. Like, I’m ridiculously excited about it actually. I can’t remember being ridiculously excited about documenting life in a really long time, but it feels good. 🙂
But before I start over, I would like to say this: If I have ever wronged you – I sincerely apologize. If I have ever made you feel less than important, less than wonderful, less than honored to know you – I am truly, deeply, with all of my heart and soul, sorry.
Please accept my apology for suffering from this ‘human condition,’ and know that I value you and cherish every laugh and moment we share. If ever I have wronged you please let me know because I assure you it was not intentional. I want and need to learn from my mistakes, and I welcome your criticism. I am not perfect. I likely never will be. All I can do is ask for your forgiveness and trust and yet another chance to share your life.
Thank you for coming along with me as I was honored to look at life through the lens of The Luckiest Girl Ever. Goodbye doesn’t mean we’re done forever, it just means we’re done in this way.
So goodbye, and good luck. For now. 🙂
Love you, ALWAYS!